Ghosts

By the Jam.

When I first got on Napster, many years ago, one of the first songs I searched for was Ghosts (mp3, 5 MB), one of the Jam's un-noted classics, with no result.

"Jam" as a search term invariably turned up 1000+ hits for Pearl Jam, and "Ghosts" would generate hundreds of hits for that movie that was just out about Cube fighting aliens on Mars.

Don't even get me started on the 'opportunities' I was faced with when I tried to locate songs by "the the". Luckily, I was younger then, and stronger.

"Ghosts" is emblematic, for me, of my early university years. My room-mate was a musician, and this was one of the two songs (the other was drums for "Pretty Vacant") that I could play an acceptable accompaniment to (on bass).

Good times, good times.

The inestimable James Walcott

Another person who's scribblings I one day hope to approach in terms of "word stylishness":

In or out of mating season, John Bolton in full swollen umbrage is never an edifying spectacle... We Americans are now accustomed to the likes of Bolton in full coconut-heaving mode but the Brits have been less exposed to neoconservatism in the malignant raw, and Matthew Carr's review of Bolton's recent perf[ormance] on the Today show read like a report filed from behind a one-way mirror at a psychiatric clinic:

He almost approaches the literary level of a Russell Brand!

Aside from the quotes James ('James' is how I prefer to refer to him, in my own mind. It sounds classy!) provides, here is an exemplary zinger from the article he was writing about:

Only last week Bolton was interviewed by John Humphrys on the Today programme.
Listening to that conversation was a grim experience that was not unlike being trapped with the Kevin Spacey serial killer character from Seven.

Acknowledging one of the Great Satan's unsung heroes

Even though he has a boring nom de plume, unlike, say, myself, Jon Swift should be honoured for his contribution towards regularly cheering me up. Through Bloglines, I can track 'Jon Swift' (that is how I think of him) as he wrestles with the troubles of the world.

He is as 'dry' as they come. So dry that there is a bonus: after reading a dryly amusing post, one is drawn irresistibly to the post's comments, a significant proportion of which show that the commenters didn't 'get' that he is kidding.

Take his Canadians: the Other Illegal Immigrants post. The post that started it all, at least for me.

In part:

No one knows how many illegal immigrants from Canada currently reside in the United States. And it is extremely difficult to find out since Canadians, unlike Mexicans, look and speak just like normal Americans. The fact that they are able to blend in so easily makes them, in my mind, even more threatening to our way of life than immigrants from other countries. Some of you might not even realize that Canada is an entirely separate country. Some of your neighbors and co-workers may be Canadian and you might have no idea. Aside from overuse of the word "eh?" and excessive drinking of Molson, many Canadians (at least the English-speaking ones) seem just like us on the outside.

(snip)

The effect of Canadians on our economy is devastating. Unlike Mexicans, Canadians take jobs from Americans that Americans actually want.

The comments range from acknowledging his wittiness to plaintive whinging about anti-Canadianism. A number of them make me embarrassed to be one!

As an unrepentant believer in Big Government, one of my fondest hopes has always been that Canada would start requiring exit permits for Canadians, rejecting the bigger idiots so they don't get out to embarrass us internationally.

However, with the advent of the internets, any drooling moron can disseminate his or her ravings to an international audience, rendering the concerns behind my proposed 'exit-visa' effectively obsolete.

Imagine my delight when I saw through bloglines that Jon Swift had 16 postings available. Usually, he does a post or two a week, mostly because he puts a lots of work into them, unlike the usual sort of 5-a-day bloggers who just quote another blogger, add a 'witty' remark, and post it.

It turns out Jon didn't have a mental breakdown (my first fear, given the tragic meltdown of Rev. Mykeru), he must have been polishing some of his old posts, which bloglines interprets as a new post, for some reason (blogger doesn't).

Anyhoo, some great old posts to read (alert: JS is very verbose, you have been warned):

The new old ones I hadn't read:
Guantanamo: Kafkaesque, in a Good Way
Ann Coulter Tackles the Menace of Widows and Grieving Mothers
50 More Conservative Rock Songs
My Battle With CFS
No Amnesty for Old People
Let's Not Nuke Iran-Yet
Jill Carroll vs. the Blogosphere
Everyone Hates the Christians

All of them are old, but they are all worth a read!


This brings up a point about blogger/blogspot: the archiving of content is very user unfriendly. Visitors should be able to browse archives by title, not just by date of publication.

I assume that is what they are aiming for with their recent addition of labels, but it is still far from being usable.

Ponce Alert!

I have tried to remain silent on this issue, but today's "Ask Mr. Smith" column by the Globe and Mail's resident bon viveur Russell Smith has finally forced me to comment.

From the Saturday edition, on the subject of fragrances for men:

A subtle scent on a well-dressed man is a sign, particularly to sensually aware women, that this guy is making an effort. It shows that he is trying to please. And it shows that he is sensually aware himself.

Personally, I love scents. I find them expressions of personality and of desire. I think anyone who's opposed to lovely smells is a little uptight.

Uptight, maybe, but all I know is that when I get on an elevator at 09h00 Monday morning, hung-over, the last thing I want to endure is inhaling the sensually enhanced manhood of anyone, let alone Russell Smith, Esq.

Who can take fashion advice seriously from a guy that has bangs? He hasn't updated his homepage, so you, the internet public, cannot experience Russell Smith's bangs.


Those bangs might be de rigeur on the Left Bank, but here in T.O. they make Russell look like a brain-damaged homosexual (not that there is anything wrong with that).

Which is odd, because Word on the Street is that he is a flagrant heterosexual.

Lock up your daughters! A funny-looking guy with bangs and an ascot is sensually querying them about cheese! And probably acting insouciant!


I am so strident on this point (the Bangs issue) that I am considering going to a Kinko's and scanning the Russell Smith byline photo from the Globe. So I can show you what I am talking about. I care that much!


UPDATE

You think I exaggerate? I finally found one, not the masterpiece on display in the Globe, but it gives you an idea of what I am talking about.

LOST is ending?

No fear, LOST's due date might be past my own. According to the Malaysia Star,

ABC has confirmed that mystery drama Lost will be concluded in 2010, after three more 16-episode seasons.

So there you have it. ABC good, HBO bad.

HBO gave Deadwood, my favourite TV series ever, a measly six hour miniseries to finish its story, while ABC has given LOST, certainly entertaining (but inaccessible to new viewers), another 48 episodes (unheard of!) to fiddle around with, apparently regardless of LOST's ever diminishing ratings.

At this rate, by 2010, the only viewers LOST will still have will be me and my Mom (should we still be extant). And we don't watch it on TV, anyway. When we get together, we watch the show on the internets.

Maybe the writers will actually be able to wrap some things up! In the 48 episodes they have left, they had better come up with something.

Is it just me?

Or do French President-elect Nicolas Sarkozy and Kevin McDonald from Kids in the Hall look almost identical?

When I see a photo of Sarkozy, I cannot picture the Kid in the Hall mentally at the same time. Hence, my photoshop effort gracing the top of this post. It's for the sake of my own sanity!

They have the same lined forehead, the same heavily-lidded, sad brown eyes, the same thin-lipped smirk of a mouth, the waggly eyebrows, a drooping nose, even the same low-set ears. The only difference I can see is that Sarkozy has a Widow's peak and McDonald doesn't.

If I was Kevin McDonald, I would start working on my Sarkozy impersonation. Those guys' terms are eight years or something, so there is no doubt work is going to become available.

FYI back in the 80s I used to have the same problem differentiating between Winnie Mandela and Rita Marley.

And possibly others. I am pretty sure there were others...

From GABLE at the Globe and Mail: "The Changing of the Story"

Hah! Good one. I can't recall a greater example of federal shilly-shallying (but then again I have short-term memory 'issues'). Could the Conservatives (I refuse to refer to them as 'Tories') be handling this issue any more incompetently? It is hard to imagine how they could.

One thing, though, at least they are not stone-walling. They are doing the opposite: making up whatever pops into their silly heads at any given moment.

This is just the sort of entertaining keystone-kops style incompetence that I was anticipating when The Conservatives first formed their government.

It took a while, but now I feel I can finally just sit back and enjoy it.

This break will give Dion some time to work on his english elocution, and J-Lay some more time to hang around Toronto, glad-handing hapless passers-by.

Toronto F.C. opens at home

to a sold out crowd!

Just as importantly, by being trounced by some team from the bloated belly of the Great Satan, they displayed a true awareness of local tradition and I, for one, appreciate their effortless ability to fit in with local 'sporting culture'.

Right now they are 0-4 in the league, with zero goals scored. Inquiring minds should note that this is the same record (and number of goals scored) Canada compiled in its one World Cup appearance, circa 1986.

BlogTO has a posting with a bunch of photos from what looks like a pretty enjoyable occasion. Except for Tall Boys™ of Carlsberg at $8.50 each. Ouch!

Elephant attacks!

I just keep on learning.

Even though I spent a couple of weeks in Kerala recently, I did not pick up on the fact that Keralites have a special veneration for elephants.

According to India Today, which I have no link to since India Today is an entirely meat-based entity (the Mcleans of India, so to speak), I am forced to summarise. In meat time!

So here it goes, the shorter version: elephants are going crazy at unprecedented levels because of the strains being placed upon them, especially when the male mating time (musht, or something like that, the mag isn't at hand) overlaps the Keralan festival cycle. New to the party bread-head owners are chemically dosing their elephants to repress their 'maleness' so that they can preform.

An example of an overly repressed bull elephant behaving badly during a Keralan religious ceremony (warning- probably too graphic for children. Time 8:17):




According to the article, traditional elephant owners treat their elephants like a member of the family and their beasts don't exhibit this sort of behaviour.

Unfortunately, there is so much money to be made during the Kerala February Festival Circuit that unscrupulous carpetbaggers have become a new force in the elephant-renting market. They don't care for the elephants they own, forcing the beasts to work, regardless of their condition (ie. horny or not).

For the people that are interested in this sort of thing, many more elephant attacks are available at youtube.

NDP intentions clarified!

Thanks to a responder from my last posting, I was directed to a weblog with some inside info on the negotiations that went on between the Liberals and the NDP prior to the Tuesday vote (a motion to curtail Canada's military participation in Afghanistan by 2009).


According to ceasefireinsider,

The Liberal motion was uncritical of the military mission and supported its continuance unchanged, yet called for the government to notify NATO that our troops would be withdrawn from the combat mission in Kandahar when the current commitment ends in February 2009.

(snip)

In politics, the wording of a motion is important. When I first read the Liberal motion last week, I feared that it was D.O.A., or Dead-on-Arrival. The motion let the Conservative government off the hook by not expressing any concerns at all about the failing mission, did not call on the government to change the focus from war-fighting to peacebuilding, and missed what is becoming an obvious solution to the war: a diplomatic settlement.

We urged the Liberals to make a small amendment to their motion in order to win NDP support, and Former UN Ambassador for Disarmament Peggy Mason actually suggested specific changes to the language that would likely have been palatable to both Liberals and the NDP. We sent the suggestions to every Liberal and NDP Member of Parliament. The NDP even proposed an amendment during the debate, but the Liberals rejected it.

Whew!

That is a relief. If this account is factual, though, it only increases my still relatively small fear that Dion is listening to the wrong people.

He must have some sort of workable strategy! I am even possibly prepared to accept some triangulation at this point.

Also, it lets me off the hook for my potential 'J-Lay' confrontation. As a Canadian, of course, I reflexively recoil from anything confrontational.

WTF is up with the NDP?

After lunch, on the way back to my cubicle I was informed by my main news provider, the Elevator News Network (ENN), that the Conservatives had defeated a Liberal motion that Canada withdraw from Afghanistan by 2009.

They accomplished this through the support of the NDP. What is that all about?

If the NDP is up to their old trick (infuriatingly obvious during the Harris years, here in Ontario) of supporting the Tories for short-term political advantage, I am going to have some sharp words to share with 'J-Lay' the next time I happen upon him relentlessly glad-handing hapless passers-by.

If the bill had gone through, it would quite possibly have made our part in the occupation of Afghanistan the big issue in the next election.

And what sort of "progressive" entity wouldn't want that? The mind boggles...

The NDP, apparently.

Insurgents rain on Harper's parade

Afghani insurgents killed six Canadian sepoys on Sunday, stealing the limelight from Steven Harper's Vimy Ridge photo op.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who had invoked the Afghan campaign in a speech to veterans Sunday by drawing direct parallels between Kandahar and Flanders Fields, was careful yesterday to avoid any mention of the latest losses in his address to the crowd before the memorial.

My first thought when I heard the news about the deaths was: how could this possibly happen? Who could possibly conceive that Canadians would continue to be killed in this pointless exercise in national chest-thumping?

My second thought was that this news would mean less chance of a spring election since it reminds the Canadian public (a majority of whom oppose extending our involvement in the Afghanistan debacle) of the costs involved.

Then I had a third thought, which directly contradicted my second thought: this latest incident will make a spring election more likely, not less.

Pretty soon, it is going to be the 22^e Regiment (based in Val Cartier, QC) that will be taking over duties in Afghanistan. Harper would be wise to have an election before this happens because once francophones start dying (N.B. none have yet), his popularity in Québec will drop like a stone. Goodbye majority!

In related news, it is good to see that the pro-war Canadians out there have a good grasp of why we are in Afghanistan. Crooked in Canada, for example, seems solidly non-ironic when he or she wrote:

I think its time to do in Afghanistan what should have been done a long time ago, bomb the hell out of it until the Taliban have nowhere left to run or hide. I think people have had enough time to flee the war torn country by now, and I see no reason as to why the war in Afghanistan shouldn't be stepped up a helluva lot more now.

As you can see, Crooked in Canada has really thought things through. The civilian population has had more than enough time to flee the country by now, so the odds are that everyone remaining hates us for our freedoms, and deserves to die.

That being said, I don't mind blowing the f*** out of country to keep the bad guys from getting in and out of the country. Afghanistan needs to be cut off from the rest of the world in order for the war against terrorism, and the Taliban to be won. That's what I think anyway.

Apparently, Crooked in Canada lacks even a basic understanding of what creates insurgents. The use of military force against civilian populations only creates more insurgents. I could look for a link buttressing this last statement but I am too bored.

Luckily, the Canadian public is less obtuse (shoutout to WKRP!) than Crooked in Canada. A CTV poll shows

When asked about the likelihood of Canada being a terror target because of its military presence in Afghanistan, 56 per cent said we are more likely to be attacked.

This represents an increase of 18 per cent compared to one year ago. Thirty-four per cent say the military presence has no bearing; while five per cent say having soldiers in Afghanistan make us less susceptible to an attack.

Yes, if I was Harper I would definitely call an election sooner, rather than later. Before le merde hits le fan in Québec!

Rocketman

I admire the creativity of the mind or minds behind Family Guy, and one of my personal favourites has always been Stewie singing "Rocket Man", lounge-style (time 1:38):



Unbelievably, years later, I have come across a startlingly similar
clip where Shatner(?!?) does the same schtick that Stewie does, but back in the mid '70s.

Is Shatner an honest-to-goodness time traveller? That is the only plausible explanation that I can conceive of... (time 5:02)



P.S. If anyone could tell me how to make blogspot treat embedded youtubes as embedded, rather than opening a new window, I would be in your debt. Addendum: Now, for some reason, the first video is opening on the page, but the second is not. WTF?

Russell Brand: wanker? Part Deux

Previously, in this space, I cast some aspersions on the funniness of Russell Brand, based on his Big Brother's Big Mouth preformances available on youtube.

Recently, an anonymous commenter to the archived post has taken me to task for my critique, and directed me to one of Russell's standup routines, also available via youtube.

I now admit that I was wrong, and was in fact being a bit of a 'tit' (as the commenter cheerfully pointed out).

Russell Brand is funny, after all.

Judge for yourselves! The whole show is segmented into 8 10 minute parts and if you can make it past the first 5 or so minutes, I bet you will be hooked!

"Canada's New Government"

I recently read an article in Harper's Magazine, titled Our Home and Native Brand. It makes public

... a September email exchange between representatives of Natural Resources Canada and Andrew Okulitch, a scientist working at the Geological Survey of Canada in an emeritus capacity. Irwin Itzkovitch is an assistant deputy minister under Minister of Natural Resources Gary Lunn. Vanessa Nelson is an executive adviser. Okulitch was fired but reappointed two weeks later.

It was very interesting, in that I hadn't realized that Canada had been rebranded.

The jist of it: apparently, early last fall the Harper government mandated that in all government press releases, etc. the term "Canada's New Government" would be used instead of "the Government of Canada".

Of course, the top hit for "Canada's New Government" in google is Steven Harper's homepage (mercifully it wasn't a 'sponsored' link), the Government of Canada. The banner graphic proclaims "Canada's New Government", with a subtitle of (in caps, I am not making this up "GETTING THINGS DONE--FOR ALL OF US")

Currently,the homepage shows a beer-bellied Harper pretending to pay attention as some hired stooge points to a tree or something. Perhaps the next place for some timber extraction?

The message is supposed to be that "Spock" cares about the environment, just like the rest of us.

At least until he wins a majority.

Then, I suspect, we will all be well and truly in trouble.

Have I lost my mojo?

It has been well over a month since my last posting and I have no doubt that I have disappointed my dozens of regular readers. I know this because several (well, two) of my colleagues have made mention of their disappointment in this matter. One colleague even made so bold as to question whether I was still drinking or not!

Well, I am still boozing, but being forced to remain 'dry' on several occasions for several days during my recent vacation certainly clarified for me some of the principal issues (or in the latest corpSpeak, 'opportunities') in my life.

Rather than collapsing into bed and instantly falling asleep, as is my wont, I was granted the rare privilege of going to bed early, then lying awake into the early hours, analysing my life and its meaning (short answer: 42).

Aside from laziness (and I find it very difficult to write these logs, especially the longer the time span between each one), I notice a change in myself, at least temporarily, regarding my world view.

When I first got back from vacation, I had a draft on 'the evils of tourism' already written in my head. As days turned to weeks, however, my indignation faded away.

Now, I am not irritated enough by anything to actually be driven to write. I have a warm apartment, as much cold potable water as I care to drink, and as much acceptable red wine as I care to swill.

I am sure that if I had remained in Canada, and had witnessed the grotesquerie of the Harper attack ads on Stephane Dion, I would have been outraged enough to at least post something.

But I wasn't here for that, and I still haven't watched them. I am saving them for when I enter 'warpath' mode, probably sometime soon, according to the forecasters.

Another election this spring? I would welcome that. I would feel energized again! I don't care how well the Conservatives are polling in Ontario, I know they are weak. And their leader? Especially weak.

Bring it on, to quote Steve's best buddy.

May the least whorish candidate win!

The whole "liquids on planes" scam

I had very much hoped that by the time I was on a plane again, the international airline industry would have backed off from this "no liquids or gels on planes" bullshit.

I mean, wasn't the whole thing disproven as being hysteria stirred to a fever-pitch by those clowns on Fleet Street, and aided and abetted by toffee-nosed war criminal Tony Blair (and his ilk) because such hysteria serves their own purposes?

I can accept, maybe, having to down nearly a litre of water before being allowed into the secure zone at Pearson international airport. What I can't accept is being forced to dump my water bottle AGAIN after disembarking at Malpensa ("Bad Thinking" in Italian?) airport in Milan even though I was still in transit!

The upshot? There I was, no water, no Euros and about to take off for Mumbai international airport, arriving at 1h30 on a Sunday morning, a place and time where I was really, really afraid of being without water.

What does a rational person do in an irrational situation like this? I am, after all, a "perspirer". (I burst into a sweat if I turn the pages of a book too quickly! And being hung-over definitely doesn't help matters.)

I did the only thing I could think of: engage in the act of shoplifting.

I nonchalantly grabbed a couple of 7.5 cl bottled waters off the shelf in a self-serve cafeteria, jammed them in my carry-on bag, and strolled over to my departure gate.

Some people might blame my behaviour on my lack of morals, but I know better. I blame the Man.

The Kerala Model

In anticipation of my upcoming vacation, I have been doing a lot of reading about India's history, politics, cultures, and the like.
One of the more interesting items I have come across is a continuing debate over the so-called "Kerala Model".

What is the Kerala Model? According to the most important information source in the universe, it is:

a set of economic practices developed in India's state of Kerala. These practices have resulted in the state attaining a high level of standards in human development, while compromising on its industrial development. This anomaly of high social development despite economic backwardness, is variously known as the Kerala model, or the Kerala phenomenon.

I think we all can agree that this description is dry, to say the least. What it all boils down to is, why does the most literate, healthy, and egalitarian state in India also have the lowest per capita income?

The modern theory is that investing in health and education for all citizens will result in a growth in production, yet Kerala is not following this pattern.

(Personally, I suspect that if the people that measure this sort of thing used the 'median', rather than the 'mean' average, Kerala would be rated substantially higher.)

Putting Economics aside for now, I intent to start my vacation in Thiruvananthapuram, the capital of Kerala, for two reasons:

1. There is a well known university there, and I hope to plunder their bookshop for books on pre-Raj Indian history. (Weirdly enough, all the Indian histories I have read, inevitably written by Britons, seem to devote approx. 6 pages to India before the Europeans, and the rest of the book to the Raj.)

2. 'Thiruvananthapuram'. This city used to be called Trivandrum, but relatively recently they changed it to Thiruvananthapuram which translates as, more or less, 'City of the Sacred Serpent' (whose name is Anantha, BTW).

I don't know how you, gentle reader, make your vacation choices, but for me this makes Thiruvananthapuram a must-visit place on my 'adventure holiday' itinerary, just because of the cool name.

(Addendum: For some reason 'City of the Sacred Serpent' reminds me of the "Conan the Barbarian" movie. I can't explain why this would be. Inquiring minds need to know!)

Reviewing Left Behind

While on the subject of Christianity, I thought I would muse aloud on the block-buster phenomenon of Left Behind.

The series, which runs 12 books, concerns the trials and tribulations of those "left behind" after all the Christians are raptured and the Book of Revelation stuff kicks in, Schwarzeneggerian Final Days-style.

First off, I should mention that I only read the first book in the series, and by 'read', I mean that I read the first twenty or so pages, mulled things over, and decided that cleaning the tub might not be such a chore after all.

I didn't need to read any more to know how much it sucked. (I didn't bother to analyze why I thought it sucked until I read Blogging Left Behind, but more on that later.)

When I was in grade 8, I thought The Shining was a great novel, and Stephen King worthy of his garlands.

A couple of years ago, I saw a paperback Stephen King novel that I hadn't read. I took it home, started reading, and was appalled at how bad a writer he is! Yet as a fourteen year-old I had found The Shining and Salem's Lot captivating!

Compared to the writers of Left Behind, Stephen King is Marcel Proust.

If you go to slacktavist's Blogging Left Behind, you can read the page by page analysis of the first novel (along with a lot of great links to other sources for Christian criticism, theological analysis, etc.) faithfully posted over a period of some time (his first post was in Sep 24, 2003, right now, Jan 7 2007, he is on page 241).

I guess slacktavist is savouring every drop!

A quote from his entry of Oct 18, 2003 (fourth up from the bottom of the page, the entries are in reverse chronological order):

The first words of Left Behind are "Rayford Steele," the protagonist's name.

It sounds like a porn star's name -- and in a sense it is. The Left Behind series is dispensational porno, but it's more than that. One of the most disturbing things about this book is the way LaHaye and Jenkins portray men, women and the relationships between them.

[...]

The character Rayford Steele is, like the authors, no longer a young man. Younger authors might not have been compelled to give their protagonists names -- "Steele" and "Buck" -- that seem such a blatant assertion of male virility. Bev is apparently not the only LaHaye who seems oblivious to phallic imagery.

I like this blogger (he is slowly working his thoughtful, sardonic way through the book) because he is a Christian and has a sense of humour. I know some Christians have a lively sense of humour, I am related to a good few of them.

Christians with a Sense of Humour should get some exposure too!

Let's steal christmas back from the Christians

What does christmas have to do with Christ, anyway?

Some Christian marketing guy in the fourth century C.E. came up with the idea of piggy backing a new Christian holiday on top of a bunch of pagan holidays, kind of like how Subway opens a location right next to every existing Mr. Sub.

I am sure there is a marketing term for this strategy. The point is, even back then the Christians had it all figured out.

Consulting Wikipedia, the most trustworthy information source IN THE UNIVERSE, we see that christmas was actually orignally a bunch of pagan celebrations from many cultures, all centred around the shortest day of the year, the winter solstice.

Take yuletide, for example. The Christians didn't have any winter celebrations til their big one at Easter (at least it used to be the big one), so they stole it.

Yuletide sounds like a good idea to me, and the twelve wild days of yuletide are not ripping off Adam Sandler, he is ripping off the pagans with his "12 crazy days" or whatever the blazes that movie was called.