Think Fast!


A useful mental exercise, liberated from the daily what.

I, too, am boned - at home I found myself armed with a running shoe, at work a plastic water bottle.

Newport State of Mind

The interweb has been all abuzz over "Newport State of Mind", a Welsh spoof of the Video for "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z and Alicia Keyes.

It is my opinion that, like most Weird Al videos, this version is a lot better than the original. I mean, I know very little about Jay-Z but his rapping is very weak in "Empire State of Mind", while both the singers in "Newport State of Mind" are great.

And the lyrics are funny. Click on the header and give it a go.

English Premier League Predictions 2010-2011

Despite not making the most astute of predictions last year (basically missing the fall of Liverpool and the rise of Tottenham although I got the relegated teams right), I thought I would make another attempt at predicting the top and bottom teams of the EPL 2010-2011.

This season is tough- I have chosen Chelsea to win, yet their performance during this year's Community Shield against Manchester United was anything but reassuring.

Richard Caravalho is gone, John Terry *sucked*, and I suspect this is going to be the year that Terry finally has that big mental breakdown I, for one, have been anticipating for some time.

The other top prospects have their problems as well:

Man United seem just shadows of their former selves with Rio Ferdinand surely on his last legs and no plausible replacement on the horizon. Much has been made of new signing Javier Hernández but I can confidently predict that Hernández will play more like Berbatov than Rooney (who incidentally is in the middle of a huge slump).

Man City have signed so many players, players like Craig Bellamy and Robinho might not even make the 25-man registered team. While Man City will definitely be fascinating to watch, it remains to be seen whether any manager, let alone Roberto Mancini, will be able to form a coherent team from this huge group of prima donnas.

Arsenal might be able to go to the top this year, but I doubt it. Their team is mostly composed of Hernández-type tinkerbells and they have yet to sign a good goalie.

This season is, realistically, wide open since none of these teams are obvious favourites as the season begins.

1. Chelsea
2. Man City
3. Arsenal
4. Man United
5. Liverpool
.
.
.
18. West Ham
19. West Bromich Albion
20. Blackpool

A funny photo from Comic-Con 2010

Stolen from Bronz Age.

It's kicking off!

Word on the street (actually, in the change room of the Sheraton Hotel Fitness Club this lunchtime) is that the authorities expect disruptions from communists, deadbeats, tattoo-artists and other non-conformists in downtown Toronto starting next Monday, a full 5 days before the actual G20 Summit officially takes place.

I dismissed this as nothing more than rumour yet, when I got back to the office, I found a City email entitled "G20 - Toronto: Message from City Manager Joe Pennachetti" awaiting me.

Obviously, the City is preparing for the worst. The high points are:

You are expected to report for your scheduled hours of work as assigned during both the week leading up to the Summit and during the Summit.

• In doing so, do not take actions that would jeopardize your personal safety.
  
• Review all circumstances (such as the extent of crowding, the activities of demonstrators) in determining whether further direction from your supervisor/manager is needed.
  
• If reporting to work in Metro Hall or other work locations adjacent to the Summit venue, give yourself extra time to get into your workplace.
  
• Carry your City and personal identification at all times, as they may be required in order to gain access to your work location.
  
• It is recommended that you dress casually in the downtown core.
  
• Remember that the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms guarantees freedom of opinion, expression and peaceful assembly. However, demonstrators cannot lawfully destroy property or engage in other illegal conduct. It is highly recommended that you not engage in discussions or disagreements with demonstrators.

My favourite bit is "It is recommended that you dress casually in the downtown core".

Obviously, the City believes the protesters are adherents of the philosophy "suits versus dungarees" first espoused by Herb Tarlek, circa 1980:

HERB TARLEK:
The whole world is in revolution. And not just here, but everywhere. And you know who's at war? It's The Dungarees v. The Suits. The whole world is in two armed camps. Over here you have The Dungarees and over here The Suits.

Remember the rise in the 50s? It was The Dungarees v. The Suits. And then Watergate. Those guys arrested were wearing dungarees and who suffered for it?

LES NESSMAN:
The Suits.

HERB TARLEK:
Exactly.

LES NESSMAN:
There are issues Herb.

HERB TARLEK:
The issues, Les, are a smokescreen.

Now listen. When a son disobeys his father, what's he wearing?

LES NESSMAN:
The son? um... dungarees!

HERB TARLEK:
And what's the father got on?

LES NESSMAN:
Probably a suit!

HERB TARLEK:
You see what I mean Les? And you know what's worse? The fathers are beginning to wear dungarees too!

LES NESSMAN:
That's right!

HERB TARLEK:
So are the mothers!

LES NESSMAN:
It's just like the Body Snatchers!

Even in times of tribulation, like this, I can rely on Herb and Les to give me a laugh.

Bring it on, outside agitators and their sheep-like followers! We casually dressed City minions intend on providing the full gamut of municipal services next week, regardless of any potential danger from the forces of entropy.

Also, it should be noted that, as unionised hourly wage earners, we don't get paid if we don't show up for work.

Huzzah! By GABLE.

Fearless World Cup 2010 Predictions

I think I can safely predict that lots of very interesting things will be happening in South Africa this June/July. Unfortunately, I expect most of them will probably be taking place off the pitch.

This time around I am sure that my predictions will be a little more à point since I have harnessed a powerful new predictive tool: Panini's Official World Cup 2010 Sticker Book. Once I have collected all the stickers, this will allow me to make a thorough assessment of how good a team is going to be, based on whether they look like they are good in their profile photos.


Group A - who the frack knows?
This should be an easy group for France, but their recent poor record under Raymond Domenech (who already has a successor lined up) and indications of an unsettled squad (eg. Wll.i.am Gallas is sulking because Patrice Evra was made Captain) means that France will have trouble getting out of the group stage.

For the rest of them I choose South Africa to come in second in the group because AFAIK no host country has been eliminated in the group stages. And the winner?

The team I pick to win the group is Uruguay because they did very well in the qualification phases, and more importantly have a festive flag. Compare their happy sun with Argentina's pouting sun and you will see what I mean:



Finally, I can't take Mexico seriously, as their 2 top forwards' (Giovani Dos Santos and Carlos Vela) preformances for me in World Soccer Manager 2010 have shown them to be so lazy they could be labelled the Brazilians of Central America.

Group B
This one looks easier to predict. Even with the wacky antics of their meatball of a manager, Diego Maradona, Argentina should win the group because a) they have good hardworking players and b) they are really good at cheating (AKA 'diving').

As for second place, this one is a toss up for me between Nigeria and South Korea. (Greece I have discounted out of hand ever since 1992, when I witnessed a physical confrontation between 2 Greek stevedores in the port of Rhodos. Enough said.)

On a man-to-man basis, it is hard to take the shrimps of the Republic of Korea seriously when they are compared to the strapping mandingos of Nigeria. On the other hand, presumably the Koreans are more team-oriented than the Nigerians (they are orientals, after all) and have won twice and drawn once in the 3 times the two teams have met. So second place, South Korea.

Group C
This one should be easy to call. If England don't win this group, they should all be taken out behind the chemical sheds and shot. Since this is the group stage, there are no penalty shoot-outs and thus they have no excuse for losing.

As for the USA-USA-USA, I expect 'Landycakes' Donovan and his band of merrie men to progress to the group of 16 where they will be given a short sharp lesson by Germany.

Algeria I believe can be dismissed because they have only one player in the English Premier League (Nadir Belhadj) while Slovenia I have dismissed as a country ever since they spearheaded the breakup of a once proud country, Yugoslavia.

Group D
Probably no surprises here. Germany are perennials and have done very well in qualification, pointing to them winning the group. For second place, I expect Serbia to narrowly beat Ghana.

This is a sentimental choice for me since Serbia is one of the two European countries in WWII that didn't jump at the chance to massacre their jews, gypsies and other undesirables (Italy was the other). I have nothing against Ghana, it is just that a team can't be made up of 10 mid-fielders and a goalie and expect to win.

As for Australia, I have said in the past what I think of Australians and in my considered opinion, a group of happy monkeys are not going to get out of the group stages, let alone win the World Cup.

Group E
Holland should take this group quite easily due to the weak draw. Denmark let me down once before when I bet on them (1986), and having the likes of Niklas Bendtner playing for them now isn't exactly going to make me change my mind.

For second place, I am going for Cameroon over Japan because their main man, Samuel Eto'o, is the only top African player in the tournament who hasn't been injured in the last month and that must count for something. Plus, I know nothing about Japan besides the fact that Shunsuke Nakamura felt that he is too good for Celtic (he isn't, BTW).

Group F
While I am sure most people predict that Italy will win this group easily, I disagree. Yes, they will weasel their way into the Group of 16 in their usual cheating, whinging fashion but I expect them to do so with a very thin margin for error, finishing second.

As for the rest, I expect Paraguay to win the group by default since New Zealand have a racist nickname (the "All-Whites" !?!) and my Panini stickerbook reveals that the Slovakia team are a bunch of skinheads.

Group G
The 'Group of Death', at least for North Korea and Ivory Coast since Brazil and Portugal are expected to romp through the round.

Brazil are favourites to win the tournament through the efforts of lazy clowns like Robinho and Elano, neither of whom can be bothered to make an effort for the clubs that actually pay them to play. Not all Brazilians are like this, people like Ramires and Thiago Silva consistently make an effort at the club level, yet it seems to be these people that are sidelined when it comes to the national side. Go figure.

Portugal, on the other hand, is expected to go through due solely to the greasy, winking efforts of Christiano Ronaldo, the most despised player on the planet.

Hopefully, Ronaldo will suffer a career-ending injury in his first five minutes on the pitch but even if this happens I expect Portugal to beat North Korea (a totally unknown quality) and Ivory Coast who are missing the googly-eyed scoring specialist Didier Drogba.

Group H
Spain will win this group, of course, since they are one of the favourites with one of the deepest squads in the tournament (a fact which will become increasingly relevant as the month wears on).

I am picking Chile to come in second in this group for a couple of reasons. One, in the sticker album they are a very attractive bunch in a Desi Arnaz, Richard from Lost kind of way. Two, they are the only team in the tournament who are explicitly committed to attacking soccer.

Switzerland? Maybe an outside chance of coming second should Chile falter, but Honduras are really just there as a make-weight, regardless of how many players they have that play at Wigan Athletic.

After the Group Stages
Here is how I see the latter stages working out according to my Group predictions. (Click to see an image that is actually readable):



As you can see, I have made a couple of questionable predictions in the post-group stages. Because I dislike Brazil so much (do you remember that Nike commercial from about 12 years ago when they were kicking balls all over the place waiting in line in an airport?) I decided that they will lose to Holland in the Quarterfinals.

Also, I think that Spain's recent successes are a fluke, rather than the new normal, and that they will revert to their old, bottling ways when they lose to Germany in the Semifinals.

(The tournament graphic is courtesy of ESPN Bracket Predictor where I am a member of the Lawyers, Guns and Money Group, password for joining is "zenon", deadline June 11.)

Update
Since creating the above graphic I bottled it, and chose Germany to beat Holland in the final, rather than vice-versa.

Separated at birth?

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Kurt from Glee.

I like Kurt more, all things considered.

Is M.I.A the Anti-Lady GaGa?

Lady GaGa has ridden to fame on the back of songs thematically based on boys, booze, boners and the healing power of dance.

M.I.A's oeuvre, on the other hand, is much darker, with her latest video Born Free proving no exception.

Banned by YouTube, "Born Free" is one of those 'story' videos. In it, USA!-USA!-USA! paramilitary types raid a dilapidated tenement, arrest all the minority members they can find, transport them to a remote location and kill them in classic fascist style.

The big surprise of the video is that, rather than being negroes, homosexuals, or Mexicans, the minorities being ethnically cleansed are redheads (or 'gingers', as they are referred to in the UK).



When I showed the video to one of my friends he roundly ridiculed the video, saying that the idea of 'The Man' one day rounding up all the redheads was totally unrealistic. Man, did he ever miss the point.

Of course it is ridiculous, as well as deeply unsettling. I think the point M.I.A is trying to make is that any minority can be chosen as The Other when a society is looking for scapegoats.

In M.I.A's personal life, her Tamil parents were part of The Other in Sri Lanka, and in the USA today Latin Americans are fast overtaking moslems and gays as The Other.

I must admit, when assembled as a group the redheads had a pretty creepy vibe to them (see screen shot below). I have never seen so many together before. There is even more than in the Scotland football squad!

Would you invite this alien to your home planet?

Because, according to Stephen Hawking, any successful attempt to contact extra-terrestrial life would probably result in something horrible like humans being farmed out as food, rather than the touching sort of human/alien contact portrayed in movies like Cocoon.

Aliens are out there... and we need to stop trying to talk to them, he says.

"We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet," the award-winning British scientist said in the series for the Discovery Channel.

To drive the point home, Hawking argued that aliens visiting Earth would likely be the same as when explorers first arrived in the New World.

"If aliens visit us, the outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in America, which didn't turn out well for the Native Americans," he said.

[snip]

Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they can reach," he said, arguing that they may have taken to the stars because they depleted resources on their home world.

Anxiously awaiting the arrival of my mail-order tomahawk, I note that over at macleans.ca there is some speculating going on as to who Scott Feschuk would rather hit over the head with a shovel, Michael Ignatieff or Stephen Harper:

Dear Scott:

If you had to hit either Stephen Harper or Michael Ignatieff with a shovel whom would you choose and why? – Anon Liberal

Anon Liberal –

I think I speak for most people when I say the most important part of hitting someone with a shovel is the element of surprise. That’s one of the two things that make hitting someone with a shovel so satisfying. (The other thing: the hitting-him-with-a-shovel part.)

This leads to the question: If Stephen Harper got hit with a shovel, would anybody be surprised? Maybe for a moment. For a moment, they’d be surprised. But then they’d sit around and say things like, “It was bound to happen eventually” or “You know, I was thinking just the other day that Stephen Harper hadn’t been hit with a shovel lately.” That would ruin the whole experience for me.

While I, for one, consider a tomahawk (or even an Iroquois War Club) a much more versatile tool than a shovel for this sort of task, still I am glad to see that Feschuk has brought the question of Stephen Harper being struck with a blunt instrument into the realm of public discussion.

If democracy was a popularity contest, Harper would be out and Jean would stay in

On Wednesday Aaron Wherry posted the relative popularity of Canadian public figures, according to long time Conservative pollsters Angus Reid. The results?

Danny Williams 80%
Michäelle Jean 57%
Brad Wall 56%
Jack Layton 32%
Stephen Harper 29%
Greg Selinger 26%
Darrell Dexter 23%
Gordon Campbell 23%
Jean Charest 22%
Dalton McGuinty 21%
Michael Ignatieff 16%
Ed Stelmach 16%
Shawn Graham 15%

Ann Coulter is back in the news

Apparently 'she' cancelled a speech at the University of Ottawa, but is going ahead with a speech at ground zero for Canadian evil, the University of Calgary.

Is it just me, or is 'she' looking more than ever like an undead transvestite?

World Corruption Index 2009

An interesting flash application, hosted by Transparency International (their tagline: "The global coalition against corruption").

I was happy to see that Canada is rated* 8.7, the same as Australia, and only slightly lower than the big winners New Zealand(9.4), Denmark(9.3), Sweden (9.2), Switzerland (9.0) and Finland (8.9).

*These ratings are based on "perceptions of corruption", since the concept of corruption is a hard concept to universally qualify.

Sue Sylvester Quotes

In any good tv show, it is most often the show's antagonist that makes the show riveting.

Think Les and Herb in "WKRP", Frank Burns in "MASH", Alex P. Keaton in "Family Ties", or Archie Bunker in "All in the Family".

On the show Glee, the cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester fills this role wonderfully.

My favourite bits are her "Coach's Corner" appearances on the local TV news. Here are some examples of Sue's televisualised wit and wisdom (mostly stolen from The Life and Logic of Leigh):

Not everyone’s going to have the walnuts to take a pro- littering stance, but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage. That’s why I pay taxes. It keeps garbage men working. So they can buy tacos. For their families.

*

I hear people say, "That's not how I define marriage". Well, to them I say, "Love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I, for one, think intimacy has no place in marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So, WOOF! on Prop 15, Ohio.

*

You know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition, and they'll tell you one thing: Caning works! And I think it's about time we did a little more of it right here... yes, we cane!

*

I'm tired of hearing people complain: I'm riddled with this disease! I was in that tsunami. To them I say, shake it up a bit, get out of your box! Even if that box happens to be where you're living. I'll often yell at homeless people, "Hey! How's that homelessness working out for ya? Give not being homeless a try, huh?"

Canada must lose!

As much as it pains me to say it, I believe it is imperative that the Canadian Mens' Hockey team lose in the final to the 'Great Satan' (AKA the 'USA'). Apparently, the more medals Canada wins, the greater the chance the Conservatives will finally get a majority government.

From the Canadian Press:

Almost a year ago, Conservative party strategists were already musing about the political springboard that would be offered if Prime Minister Stephen Harper could only maintain his minority government until the XXI Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

With the Games all but here, Harper has already sprung into action.

The prime minister was scheduled to be here, there and everywhere in Vancouver on Wednesday, ending the day with a flag-raising ceremony at the athletes village. On Thursday he'll jump to Victoria for the first-ever speech by a prime minister to the B.C. legislature.

And the following evening at B.C. Place Stadium, Harper will help officially open the Games at a glittering ceremony - kicking off 15 days of elite athletic competition and a two-week pas-de-deux between players and politicians of all stripes.

"Faster, Higher, Stronger" may be the Olympic watchwords for the athletes. For those who depend on the voting public for employment, it's all about what pollsters call the "euphoric bounce."

"Contentment, happiness, satisfaction is all the friend of a (political) incumbent," says Allan Gregg, chairman of polling firm Harris-Decima and a former strategist for prime minister Brian Mulroney.

"So the extent to which people believe the economy is going well, or the country is in the right direction, or that they're proud to be a Canadian - all of these ancillary, unconnected political feelings can pour over to support for the status quo."

How's that hockey book coming along, Stephen?

Via Ian Wherry:

NBC reported today that the Prime Minister is working on a book about hockey. This June, coincidentally, will mark the fifth anniversary of Stephen Harper’s book about hockey. For the record, here’s how the Globe reported the tome into existence on the morning of June 18, 2005.

Conservative Leader Stephen Harper is known for his intellect and policy-wonk ways. However, he is also an armchair sports fan (the Toronto Maple Leafs come to mind) and is planning to publish a book that has nothing to do with politics or policy. Rather, Mr. Harper is penning a tome on the history of professional hockey in Alberta. Harper insiders say that he began researching and writing the book as a hobby but it has become a more serious venture as he acquired more and more information. He is researching it from primary sources, and firsthand accounts dating back to the turn of the last century, says a friend, who is familiar with the progress of the book.

This reminds me of a quote from the Family Guy (alluded to in the title of this posting) where Stewie is taking the piss with Brian about the book he has been supposedly writing for the last few years (stolen from Ink on Paper):

"How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice little story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protagonist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off."

Adam Giambrone displays a startling lack of judgement

Today Adam Giambrone, City Councillor and head of the reviled TTC, withdrew from his bid to be the next Mayor of Toronto.

From the Star:

In a voice shaking with emotion, mayoral candidate Adam Giambrone Tuesday night admitted he had "intimate relations" with other women throughout most of last year.

[snip]

The Star reported Tuesday Giambrone, 32, suggested in a Dec. 27 text message to university student Kristen Lucas, 20, that McQuarrie was in his life for "political" reasons. Lucas, who produced copies of extensive texting with Giambrone, said they had an intimate relationship that began when she was 19 and included sex on a couch in his City Hall office.

Fair play to the lad, of course.

Who wouldn't want to have sex in their office with 19 year old girls, especially on company time?

Very few people, that is who.

Still, the question must be raised concerning Giambrone's choice of people he was sharing bodily fluids with. Kristen Lucas (pictured above), is far from what I fantasise my intern would look like.

Not waif-like enough, if you know what I mean.

Instead, she looks a bit scary. And this is one of the shots she sent out thinking they made her look good.

She had occasional sex with Ad-Gi for a year or so. A week after he declares his campaign for mayor, she reveals she is his love slave, and sends a blogger her portfolio, saying that she wants good photos, rather than the ones that will get on the internet otherwise.

If the photo at the top of this post is any measure, this means that Giambrone, like many powerful (?) men before him, will have sex with anything not their wives.

I admit I stand outside the typical stereotype of a 40-something male but would you, if you were an aspiring politician, choose this person, model, actress, to deposit your sperm into? I would not.

There are a lot of cute 19 year olds out there. Why choose a unattractive gold-digger?

Adam, you never had a chance, because she chose you, the biggest schlemiel I have seen in a long, long time.

I am developing strong feelings for Craig Bellamy

Misshapen, tattooed freak Craig Bellamy was someone I have discounted since I started following the English Premier League. Besides being short, argumentative, and tattooed (mentioned again, just to make sure the point has been made), Bellamy also runs like a girl.

So, I considered him a worthy target of my spite, even though I freely admit that I don't really know what I am talking about.

This season, however, with Setanta Broadband actually allowing me to see the EPL matches I want to, I have to admit that Bellamy is fantastic. He has been one of Manchester City's brightest lights, showing levels of grit and determination that have made him the de facto City captain with six goals and six assists in the league thus far.

Two incidents this season in particular serve to illustrate Bellamy's spirit:



Last Wednesday, against Man U, he was taking a corner kick when he was struck by a coin thrown by a Man U supporter.

Did he do a 'Christiano Ronaldo' and milk the moment for all he was worth?

No sir, he did not. He stood there dazed for a few moments, rubbing the back of his head, then carried on with the corner kick.

In the second incident, against Bolton, Bellamy was shown a second yellow card for 'simulation' (A.K.A. 'diving', or 'falling down for no real reason').

Now, Craig Bellamy can be fairly accused of a lot of things, the story of his drunkenly attacking a team mate with a golf club being the most interesting incident in a long pattern of unpleasant behaviour, on and off the field, but being a diver? Bellamy would probably be the last person on the planet to demonstrate such effete, Christiano Ronaldo-like behaviour.

As then-Manager Mark Hughes said after Bellamy's sending off:

Craig Bellamy is not going to change. He will moan and groan [on the pitch] but that is part of his make-up. People should know that now and not take offence. We don't. But I have not seen him dive. That is not part of his make-up, he is not a cheat.

Not a cheat, a possible EPL Player of the Year!

It's as rational as tradition, I suppose

Liberated from Pharyngula. I got Sauron (but was hoping for Cthulhu).