THE SCENE: An airport hotel room. At left, seated in an armchair, KARLHEINZ SCHREIBER, stroking a cat. Before him stands MARTIN BRIAN MULRONEY, 18th PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA.
MBM
Well, golly, Mr. Schreiber, who by the way I have never had any dealings with. It was good of you to call me, since you were passing through town, to go for a cup of coffee. But why are we out here at Mirabel? Wouldn't the lobby bar of the Queen Elizabeth have been simpler?...
KHS
(Throws head back. Laughs, a long, slow, villainous laugh.)
Brian, Brian, Brian. I have something I want you to do for me.
MBM
Jeepers, Mr. Schreiber. What can that be? I'm just a simple ex-Prime Minister and former president of the Iron Ore Co. of Canada. How can I be of service to a sophisticated international businessmen such as yourself?
KHS
I can't exactly put it into words, or certainly not on paper. But it involves consulting me on a couple of projects in which you have particular expertise. The one is a simple matter of building German tanks in Cape Breton with federal money for export to Saudi Arabia. The other is a miracle pasta machine. And since we have never had any dealings with each other, or certainly nothing remotely related to Airbus, I am willing to pay you $100,000 a year, the first $100,000 in advance. I might even throw in another $200,000 in two subsequtent hotel room meetings within the next 16 months. Think of it as a retainer. Which by the way means you do not need to declare it on your income tax until years later. Or mention it in court under oath.
MBM
Jiminy cricket, Mr. Schreiber. That's just the sort of business I'm interested in. You see, after nine years as prime minister, I have no money, or not enough to support my family in the lifestyle to which they've become accustomed. Not only that, but I've done nothing about this situation in the six months since I decided to step down as prime minister. In short, I'm flat broke, if you don't count my parliamentary pension or the multiple directorships and massive legal fees I'll be pulling down the minute I leave politics. So if you'll just make the cheque out to --
KHS
(Laughs that laugh again. At length.)
Brian, Brian, Brian. We don't need no stinking cheques! I deal in cash only.
MBM
Gosh, Mr. Schreiber. I don't know. Why would you want to do this in cash?
KHS
Because I'm a sophisticated international businessman, that's why, and like all sophisticated international businessmen, I always deal in cash.
MBM
But shouldn't we leave some sort of paper trail? There'll have to be invoices, contracts, bank statements. Because I have nothing to hide.
KHS
No! I said cash! K-A-S-H! Here, just take the envelope.
MBM
Gee whillikers, Mr. Schreiber. All right. You're the sophisticated international businessman. If you say it's okay, I guess it's all right by me. I just hope I'm not making a colossal mistake...
The full imagining of this hypothetical conversation can be viewed here.
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