Festival of India this weekend

According to a pamphlet handed to me yesterday on Dundas Square by a lean 30-something hippie with a Vishnu tilaka and a german accent, there is going to be a big celebration tomorrow called Festival of India. The festivities will include a parade from Yonge and Bloor down to Queen's Quay followed by a party on Toronto Island (assuming Rudra holds off from raining on their parade).

While I am I great fan of Hindu festivals, I will probably give this one a miss because I get a sense that, although it isn't explicitly laid out on the feedyoursoul.to website, the parade is really being run by a bunch of euro-trash (but in a good way) Krishna Consciousness people (Hari Krishnas), not bona fide Hindus from South Asia.

Not that I have any problem with westerners enthusiastically adopting eastern religions, it is that I fear the experience would seem a bit contrived, relatively speaking.

In case of nuclear disaster

Go inside and turn on your radio or television
Listen to media reports for instructions from the Province on what to do
Follow the directions provided by the Province

Instructions from the City of Toronto's "'Red Page' – Nuclear Emergency Information". (PDF 1.67 MB)

An inquiring mind might wonder what to do if, for instance, there is no electricity to power tv and/or radio.

Or if there was a pandemic resulting in a never ending onslaught of flesh-crazed 'zombies' (this scenario is imagined in 28 Days Later).

According to the Zombie Survival Guide, generated noise like tvs and radios are sure to attract wandering zombies.

I am not sure whether I would rely on the admonishments of the Red Page, regardless of whether the threat is a nuclear accident or an 'infestation'.

Go inside and wait for news? Even if you still have electricity, if you live within 10 kms of the 2 'ground zeroes' portrayed in the graphic above you are probably dead already, even if you don't know it yet.

The advice to keep indoors is probably a governmental attempt to avoid exposing people outside the Death Zone to fleeing Ajaxers and Pickerlings, slowly boiling to death from the inside as they run shrieking and cursing along Kingston Rd. towards downtown.

John Barber on free highways

In today's Globe and Mail, John Barber wrote a column titled "Reality requires road tolls; prepare for the inevitable".

What caught my eye?

What makes tolls doubly attractive is that motorists also stand to benefit, both immediately and in the long term. Our highways today are like Communist supermarkets, with huge lineups for artificially cheap food that is rarely available.

By now, everybody knows there is only one way to rationalize the distribution of a scarce resource: You price it. The lineups disappear and rutabagas suddenly abound.

That, friends, is some evocative imagery, especially considering who it comes from.

Now if only the City of Toronto would follow Barber's advice, vis-a-vis on-street parking.

Celebrating Toronto Bike Month

In celebration of Toronto Bike Month, please enjoy the following excerpts from the executive summary (I am still looking for the whole report) of City of Toronto Bicycle/Motor-Vehicle Collision Study 2003 (pdf, 326 kB). Although it only studies data compiled between 1986 and 1996, it still contains a plethora of interesting facts and figures for anyone hoping to increase their chances of survival whilst negotiating high density street activity.

According to the data, the t-bone is the most statistically significant source of injury for bike riders. (The illustration at the top of this post is a representation of a t-bone accident.)

As far as I am concerned, this is amateur garbage. Anyone who actually trusts that a vehicle not signalling a right turn will not turn right is incredibly naive.

After I was forced to fall over onto the sidewalk to prevent myself being crushed by a cube van making a tight right turn during a red light on Bay Street last summer, a courier waiting behind me quoted the apparently well known courier truism "Right side is suicide". (I wonder if there is an online repository of such wisdom, or if they prefer to keep this knowledge to themselves.)

If bikers don't realize that it is safer to swing to the left behind any vehicle giving any indication at all (signalling, slowing down, etc) of making a right turn, this will continue to be the #1 problem.

My biggest fear regarding biking safety is the same as Jeff Gray outlined in last weekend's Globe and Mail: when riding in a bike lane that has parked cars between myself and the sidewalk, I tend to keep to the left of the bike lane.

While this provides an extra millisecond or two reaction time if someone suddenly opens their car door, at the same time it significantly increases the chances of being struck on the back of the head by the side mirror of a passing pickup or cube van.

Which is more dangerous, car doors or side-mirrors? That was my most important question:

• Motorist Overtaking 277 cases (11.9% of total)
  
• Motorist Opens Vehicle Door 276 cases (11.9% of total)
  

Wouldn't you know it? A statistical dead heat.

However, since these statistics also include the area outside the central part of the city, I am going to go ahead and speculate that the door prize is a greater danger than the possibility of a mirror/skull interaction, at least downtown where there is more happening, parking-wise.

Other interesting facts to be gleaned from the executive summary:

Almost 30% of the cyclists involved in reported motor vehicle collisions were cycling on the sidewalk immediately prior to their collisions, making this the most frequent “possible contributing factor.

The vast majority of collisions happened in dry weather conditions. Most occurred in daylight, particularly during rush hours, especially the evening peak, between 3 p.m. and 7 p.m.

From "Contributing Factors"

Cyclist impaired- 9 cases
Motorist impaired- 3 cases

Happy biking!

UPDATE (08.07.18)
I was just reviewing this post and I noticed that the cyclist in the graphic is run over by what appears to be a Porsche, or some other kind of expensive sportscar.

HELLO CLAIMS COURT!

GABLE's cartoon from today's Globe and Mail, lampooning, once again, the Keystone Kops antics of CPC ministers. This is probably aimed principally at Maxime Bernier and his recent displays of extreme, shall we say, 'absent-mindedness'.

Needed: a Stephen Harper archive?

The number of malevolent, stupid, ignorant and/or outright lying statements made by the Prime Minister (or his puppets) has reached the point that I find it hard to keep track them down when I need to refer to a particular instance.

Maybe it is time for a Harper Archive!

Since I seem to have time on my hands, I thought I might create one (a popular UI time waster).

But first, I did a search to see if anything similar exists, in the style of stopiggy.com (now defunct, and that is stop iggy.com, not sto piggy.com, which also makes a kind of sense as long as 'sto' means something derogatory in a slavic language.)


I found one! The Harper Index. Now I don't have to splash the cash for a domain name, hosting, and the like.

While the Harper Index doesn't seem to include a library of unfortunate Harper photo opportunities (which I would have made a centrepiece) it still saves time by providing a plethora of links to what the Evil Spock really thinks.

The Harper Index is far from perfect, but I hope that it will expand its raison d'etre in the months ahead.

Perhaps a blog? A forum? Web 2.0 is like a weakened and desperate immigrant, eager to be exploited.

Easing gracefully into middle age?

Now that I am on the wrong side of 40, I have finally come to the conclusion that perhaps some lifestyle changes might be in order.

Last weekend, at a memorial service for Donna (my mother's dearest friend since grade 9), Donna's grandson (age approx. 22) introduced me to his buddy (who had come to the rememberance to show respect) in this way:

PALGOLAK, just wait til we are all sitting on the dock looking at the stars this summer! Jimmy here is a first class partay-er. He won't disappoint!

These words froze the blood in my veins. Sure, not so long ago (relatively speaking), I did enjoy sitting on the end of the dock recounting (and listening to) heroic bouts of substance abuse from teenagers, but now I find it a bit boring.

Even painful, unless I am extremely over-refreshed.

I try to visualize myself as a twenty-year old, and how I viewed middle-aged 'partay-ers', but I come up with a blank.

I probably thought they were pretty cool, old folks that smoked ganja.

All I know is that in a Saturday evening cottage situation, these days, the last place I want to be is sitting on a dock with a passel of drunk university students swearing and talking loudly about drugs and alcohol, especially when my reborn aunt and uncle (with visiting church friends) are sitting on another dock 10 metres away trying to enjoy the Northern Lights. (This happened last summer, BTW.)

I just want to lie on a couch (or hammock) and read, whilst sipping a glass of wine. And take the occasional look at the stars, of course.

Last summer, in the aftermath of the multiple murder of a bunch of middle-aged Bandidos, I read a psychological analysis in a paper (I forget which) that posited that the 'biker type' were people that couldn't let go from that party-hearty lifestyle that they had grown accustomed to as youngsters.

I doubt whether John Muscedere (photo above) ever worried about the harmful effects of ganja smoke enough to buy a vapourizer, and he probably still did liquor shots, too. (If you click on the image, you can see the whole photograph, including kids' toys under a tree to the side.)

Am I any different, even though I own a vapourizer and eschew hard liquor? I wonder.

Luckily I have avoided an early death, but still I find it depressing that my young buddy assumes that my behaviour on a Saturday night will have more in common with John Muscedere's than, say, James Wolcott's.


 

After decades of trying, I have finally made it into a union

The Toronto Cyclists Union, that is. The TCU is holding a fundraiser at the Bloor Cinema on Thursday, May 29 where the main event will be the showing of Pee Wee's Big Adventure, perhaps the greatest bike-oriented film of all time.

If that isn't enough, local celebrities are appearing as guests, including wilting oriental blossom Sook-yin Lee and noted metrosexual Adrian Heaps.

Throw in some Rocky Horror Picture Show-style audience participation and we are talking some serious entertainment, especially for only $14.

Here are some clips from PWBA (NB unfortunately I couldn't find a clip from my favourite scene of the movie: the guided tour of the Alamo).

Pee Wee leaves the biker bar (0:35 mins)


Pee Wee's big meeting (3:14 mins)

More Sikhs than you can shake a stick at!

And they were all eating, too, at least by the time I joined them at Nathan Phillips Square (the parade was held a little too early for me).

Yesterday was the big Khalsa Day Parade in downtown Toronto and, according to the Toronto Sun (the only major daily paper to report on it (!?!)) the attendance was approximately 60,000.

Not such a big deal, by LTTE-supporter standards, but still a visual feast because of the colours everywhere.

When I first encountered this festival at Nathan Phillips Square last year, I was surprised that all the food, bottled water, etc. was given freely to anyone. Usually these sorts of ethnic events charge at least a nominal fee for food.

According to a pamphlet I was handed, free food and lodging at Sikh temples (buildings marked by an orange flag emblazoned with a khanda) for any visitlor is integral to their religion. I like the cut of their jib!

Photos from the event:

The merits of dried beans

I have often pondered on the mystery of the dried bean.

Because, apparently, soaking them for a period of time, then boiling them makes them digestible.

In my experience, however, this is not true (excepting lentils, but only the red kind). If I try to "keep it real" and use dried beans, as opposed to using much more expensive canned beans, a discomforting 'gassy' feeling is inevitably the result.

Now, Heather Havrilsky, the TV critic at salon.com, has helped me feel less of environmentally-unfriendly freak (at least in this regard).

In a recent column (warning, you may or may not have to stare at an ad for 10 seconds or so), she lays bare her own struggle with dried beans. I am not alone!

In part:

...Which brings us back to the bean aisle at my grocery store. This is my new therapy (since I can't afford the old kind): shopping for alarmingly cheap yet nutritious foods. It's relaxing, somehow, to stand there in front of those bags -- 33 cents for split peas! Amazing! -- fantasizing about how my family will eat only beans from now on: chilis and bean burritos (Homemade tortillas! Just flour and water!) and bean soups, whole meals that cost less than $3 to make, that might feed the family for days on end. As I escape into a hazy daydream of delicious gourmet bean concoctions, all of which are practically free, I suddenly become aware that I'm not alone.

There's a stout, pragmatic-looking woman standing next to me, fondling a bag of 15-bean soup mix. "This looks pretty tasty," she says somewhat suspiciously, half to herself and half to me. "Fifteen beans!" She breathes those words -- "Fifteen beans!" -- in the same tone most people would say "five-course meal!" or "three-week vacation!" And then she just stands there, fondling and sighing for a full minute, like she's gazing out at the Mediterranean, snacking on a delightful array of cured meats and aged cheeses.

"That does look pretty good," I say, sociably picking up the same bag. It feels good to talk to a stranger about beans. I'm not only buying beans, you see, I am discussing various bean-related options with other bean buyers...

You get the jist, I am sure. Comedy gold!

Bull in a China Shop, by GABLE in today's Globe and Mail.

hillary Hillary HILLARY!

Usually, I couldn't give a toss who ends up appointed as the next titular leader of the Great Satan, since every one of the candidates will full-throatedly champion the interests of unrestrained capitalism, above all, when push comes to shove.

However, over the past few months, I have become aware of a hitherto unsuspected visceral dislike, on my own part, for Hillary Clinton.

I have always despised Bill Clinton, of course. But Hillary? "Who cares?", I used to think. No better or worse than the rest.

After this winter's exposure to Hillary, though, her actions (or those of her campaign staff, same diff) have made clear to me she is just as much of a triangulator as her piece-of-shit husband.

Ie. no strong principles or beliefs, just the propensity to do whatever it takes to achieve and maintain power.

This is from an article Molly Ivins wrote in 2006, entitled I will not support Hillary Clinton for president:

Enough. Enough triangulation, calculation and equivocation. Enough clever straddling, enough not offending anyone This is not a Dick Morris election. Sen. Clinton is apparently incapable of taking a clear stand on the war in Iraq, and that alone is enough to disqualify her. Her failure to speak out on Terri Schiavo, not to mention that gross pandering on flag-burning, are just contemptible little dodges.

Molly goes on at length, describing her distaste for a senator that has always followed 'where the wind blows'. I could have cut and pasted the whole article here, but I believe that would be lazy on my part.

Instead, I choose to cut and paste a posting from my favourite Political Satirist (aside from Rick Mercer, of course), Barry Crimmins:

I have no respect for the Clintons. None

Why? They took an already weak political party and sold it (OK, remaindered it) to the corporate bosses.

Hillary Clinton has taken more money from the enemies of peace and prosperity for average people than any other 2008 presidential candidate. Period.

Her finance chief is the criminal Terry McAuliffe.

Her chief strategist is Blackwater apologist Mark Penn.

She looks upon the presidency as if it should be hers as a perquisite for keeping her mouth shut about her husband's cheesy conduct.

That husband has risen in stature because he was replaced by a braying, criminal jagoff. Now there's an accomplishment!

She promises to revitalize Rush Limbaugh and an array of reactionary blowhards by reinvigorating an ancient feud that will resume on so many fronts that there will be no way to avert our gaze from it. Our nostrils won't be spared, either. It's no surprise that Limbaugh is urging Republicans to cross primary lines to vote for her.

She runs as a feminist on the basis of her gender, even though anyone even remotely politically literate understands that she is a tool of the patriarchy. War machine = patriarchy.

And so I find candidate Clinton to be contemptible. This doesn't mean that I am some naive foundling on the Obama doorstep. I'd just like to see him end Clinton's run for president. That summarizes my excitement concerning the Senator from Illinois.

Actually this is only an amuse-gule for the rest of Barry's post. But you get the basic idea.

No matter how much of a mooncalf Obama is, at least he isn't Hillary Clinton.

GABLE's take on the current state of the U.S. presidential election process. From the Globe and Mail.

Somewhere, somehow, Canadian troops are getting some love

(time 1:21)

An atypical job interview

Yesterday, I interviewed for a job with the City of Toronto. An HR gal and the person I presume would be my manager ushered me into a little room and we sat around a little table. Placed in front of me was a sharpened pencil and a 8.5" x 11" pad of paper, 'in case I wanted to take some notes during the interview'.

The interview consisted of 6 questions, which I was assured were the same 6 questions all the applicants for this particular job were asked.

At the end, I peeled off the sheet of paper I had written on and moved to put it with the rest of my documents when the HR gal said, 'I am sorry but I am going to have to confiscate that' and tucked the sheet into her notes.

They denied they wanted it for hand-writing analysis, but what other possible reason is there for this odd behaviour?

Is it possible a hand-writing sample is like hair or finger-nail clippings, and can be used for voodoo hexes or other occult phenomenæ?

If voodoo practitioners or other unsavoury cultists have infiltrated the City of Toronto, then we are all in big trouble, especially since the City of Toronto is so heavily unionised.

Chelsea out on their bums!

Last weekend, Chelsea FC, English Premier League bigshots, were knocked out of the FA Cup Quarter Finals by lowly Barnsley FC, currently in danger of being relegated from the the English Championship League. (Full disclosure: I am currently managing Barnsley in World Football Manager 2007.)

Here are video links to a recap of the match:

Part 1 (9:54 minutes)



Part 2 (7:23 minutes)



Please take note of the Barnsley fans that invade the pitch when the final whistle blows: not the mob of drunken skin-heads one might imagine. Instead the 'invaders' are mostly kids, and at least one middle-aged housewifie-type.

In Barnsley, at least, soccer is still fun for the whole family.

Barnsley's performance in this year's FA Cup (they beat Liverpool at Anfield a few weeks ago) makes me want to emigrate to the UK and live in Barnsley, so I can watch real English soccer from the stands, rather than watching highlights huddled over a laptop.

Unfortunately, Barnsley is probably a depressed area: it is a small town in southern Yorkshire, so it is probably the societal and economic equivalent of Kirkland Lake, Ontario. AKA, not much going on, at least since the mines closed.

Stuff White People Like

I have been killing time this morning (well, technically this afternoon) reading the blog Stuff White People Like.

Favourite postings thus far include:

#75 Threatening to Move to Canada

#71 Being the only white person around

#38 Arrested Development

#53 Dogs

#52 Sarah Silverman

#33 Marijuana

#15 Yoga


And, last but *certainly* not least:

#11 Asian Girls


They are funny because they are true!

Bear in mind that by 'white', the blogger seems to mean 'liberals' in the context of the Great Satan.

England Manager has his hairdryer stolen

Last week, England manager Fabio Capello had his specially purchased hair dryer stolen from his dressing room at Wembley Stadium.

From the MIrror:

An investigation has now been launched and a new hairdryer will be bought in time for England's next home game.

A source told the Mirror: "The England manager has his own dressing room next to the players' one. After Fabio got the England job he asked for a hairdryer to be put in there for his sole use.

"We thought it was a bit strange but he's the boss and we got a top-of-the-range dryer. Everything went smoothly on Wednesday and Fabio seemed happy when he left."

GABLE- Everybody has his breaking point

Editorial cartoon from today's Globe and Mail. Proof that 'a picture is worth a thousand words' is still apropos.

Joe Strummer: the Future is Unwritten

Currently showing in Canada at a classy repetoire cinema near you, Joe Strummer: the Future is Unwritten is, unsurprisingly, a documentary about Joe Strummer, the ex-Clash frontman.

Who cares? I do. Looking back, I have to say that the Clash's political views, exposed to me at a sensitive age, have made me the moonbat I am today.

Social Justice? Anti-militarism? A strong belief in what is right or wrong? What 12 year old could resist it?

I think that I am not alone in my feeling that once Uncle Joe died, we lost a good one. Where is the justice that Sir Mick or Rod "if you think I'm sexy" Stewart still continue poncing about when good people like Joe die prematurely?

This is where aetheism starts!

In fact, if I think of pop culture figures that died before 'the fullness of time', the two I miss the most are Joe Strummer and Phil Hartman.

The documentary has been reviewed by, amongst others, the Star and the Globe and Mail .