Canada must lose!

As much as it pains me to say it, I believe it is imperative that the Canadian Mens' Hockey team lose in the final to the 'Great Satan' (AKA the 'USA'). Apparently, the more medals Canada wins, the greater the chance the Conservatives will finally get a majority government.

From the Canadian Press:

Almost a year ago, Conservative party strategists were already musing about the political springboard that would be offered if Prime Minister Stephen Harper could only maintain his minority government until the XXI Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

With the Games all but here, Harper has already sprung into action.

The prime minister was scheduled to be here, there and everywhere in Vancouver on Wednesday, ending the day with a flag-raising ceremony at the athletes village. On Thursday he'll jump to Victoria for the first-ever speech by a prime minister to the B.C. legislature.

And the following evening at B.C. Place Stadium, Harper will help officially open the Games at a glittering ceremony - kicking off 15 days of elite athletic competition and a two-week pas-de-deux between players and politicians of all stripes.

"Faster, Higher, Stronger" may be the Olympic watchwords for the athletes. For those who depend on the voting public for employment, it's all about what pollsters call the "euphoric bounce."

"Contentment, happiness, satisfaction is all the friend of a (political) incumbent," says Allan Gregg, chairman of polling firm Harris-Decima and a former strategist for prime minister Brian Mulroney.

"So the extent to which people believe the economy is going well, or the country is in the right direction, or that they're proud to be a Canadian - all of these ancillary, unconnected political feelings can pour over to support for the status quo."

How's that hockey book coming along, Stephen?

Via Ian Wherry:

NBC reported today that the Prime Minister is working on a book about hockey. This June, coincidentally, will mark the fifth anniversary of Stephen Harper’s book about hockey. For the record, here’s how the Globe reported the tome into existence on the morning of June 18, 2005.

Conservative Leader Stephen Harper is known for his intellect and policy-wonk ways. However, he is also an armchair sports fan (the Toronto Maple Leafs come to mind) and is planning to publish a book that has nothing to do with politics or policy. Rather, Mr. Harper is penning a tome on the history of professional hockey in Alberta. Harper insiders say that he began researching and writing the book as a hobby but it has become a more serious venture as he acquired more and more information. He is researching it from primary sources, and firsthand accounts dating back to the turn of the last century, says a friend, who is familiar with the progress of the book.

This reminds me of a quote from the Family Guy (alluded to in the title of this posting) where Stewie is taking the piss with Brian about the book he has been supposedly writing for the last few years (stolen from Ink on Paper):

"How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice little story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protagonist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off."

Adam Giambrone displays a startling lack of judgement

Today Adam Giambrone, City Councillor and head of the reviled TTC, withdrew from his bid to be the next Mayor of Toronto.

From the Star:

In a voice shaking with emotion, mayoral candidate Adam Giambrone Tuesday night admitted he had "intimate relations" with other women throughout most of last year.

[snip]

The Star reported Tuesday Giambrone, 32, suggested in a Dec. 27 text message to university student Kristen Lucas, 20, that McQuarrie was in his life for "political" reasons. Lucas, who produced copies of extensive texting with Giambrone, said they had an intimate relationship that began when she was 19 and included sex on a couch in his City Hall office.

Fair play to the lad, of course.

Who wouldn't want to have sex in their office with 19 year old girls, especially on company time?

Very few people, that is who.

Still, the question must be raised concerning Giambrone's choice of people he was sharing bodily fluids with. Kristen Lucas (pictured above), is far from what I fantasise my intern would look like.

Not waif-like enough, if you know what I mean.

Instead, she looks a bit scary. And this is one of the shots she sent out thinking they made her look good.

She had occasional sex with Ad-Gi for a year or so. A week after he declares his campaign for mayor, she reveals she is his love slave, and sends a blogger her portfolio, saying that she wants good photos, rather than the ones that will get on the internet otherwise.

If the photo at the top of this post is any measure, this means that Giambrone, like many powerful (?) men before him, will have sex with anything not their wives.

I admit I stand outside the typical stereotype of a 40-something male but would you, if you were an aspiring politician, choose this person, model, actress, to deposit your sperm into? I would not.

There are a lot of cute 19 year olds out there. Why choose a unattractive gold-digger?

Adam, you never had a chance, because she chose you, the biggest schlemiel I have seen in a long, long time.

I am developing strong feelings for Craig Bellamy

Misshapen, tattooed freak Craig Bellamy was someone I have discounted since I started following the English Premier League. Besides being short, argumentative, and tattooed (mentioned again, just to make sure the point has been made), Bellamy also runs like a girl.

So, I considered him a worthy target of my spite, even though I freely admit that I don't really know what I am talking about.

This season, however, with Setanta Broadband actually allowing me to see the EPL matches I want to, I have to admit that Bellamy is fantastic. He has been one of Manchester City's brightest lights, showing levels of grit and determination that have made him the de facto City captain with six goals and six assists in the league thus far.

Two incidents this season in particular serve to illustrate Bellamy's spirit:



Last Wednesday, against Man U, he was taking a corner kick when he was struck by a coin thrown by a Man U supporter.

Did he do a 'Christiano Ronaldo' and milk the moment for all he was worth?

No sir, he did not. He stood there dazed for a few moments, rubbing the back of his head, then carried on with the corner kick.

In the second incident, against Bolton, Bellamy was shown a second yellow card for 'simulation' (A.K.A. 'diving', or 'falling down for no real reason').

Now, Craig Bellamy can be fairly accused of a lot of things, the story of his drunkenly attacking a team mate with a golf club being the most interesting incident in a long pattern of unpleasant behaviour, on and off the field, but being a diver? Bellamy would probably be the last person on the planet to demonstrate such effete, Christiano Ronaldo-like behaviour.

As then-Manager Mark Hughes said after Bellamy's sending off:

Craig Bellamy is not going to change. He will moan and groan [on the pitch] but that is part of his make-up. People should know that now and not take offence. We don't. But I have not seen him dive. That is not part of his make-up, he is not a cheat.

Not a cheat, a possible EPL Player of the Year!

It's as rational as tradition, I suppose

Liberated from Pharyngula. I got Sauron (but was hoping for Cthulhu).

It's Complicated

Since the beginning of December, I have been forced to use public transit (to read my feelings concerning the Toronto Transit Commission, please click right here).

While the TTC's incompetence, structural fragility, and employees' bad attitudes form the main reasons for my despite, riding in the subway the past few weeks has given me another reason: those ubiquitous posters for the movie It's Complicated, an example of which adorns the heading of this post.

Take a look at it. Take a good, long, hard look at it for oh, say, about 10 minutes.

Because that is what I am forced to do, twice a day for weeks now since the only alternative is to invade other passengers' personal space by staring at them instead.

The poster's key irritants? Obviously, the expressions on the couple's faces: Alex Baldwin's expression implies he is the happiest guy on earth although why this would be remains a mystery.

Bagging a post-menopausal Meryl Streep is hardly something to be cocky about, especially since (according to the IMDB) Streep is playing his ex-wife (therefore, its not like he has never "climbed that mountain" before).

Perhaps a third person (Steve Martin?) is giving him a blowjob under the covers? That would certainly make an interesting 'love triangle'.

Meryl Streep's expression- is she embarrassed? Confused? My guess is that either
a) she has just given the pompous jackass to her left a venereal disease.
b) she is suffering from amnesia, just like Goldie Hawn in the movie Overboard, and has just been forced to service a total stranger (as far as she can tell, anyway).
or
c) she is uneasy, since she is, in fact, slutting around.

Meryl Streep is such a fantastic actor (indeed, James Walcott specifically mentions her pealing laughs), anything is possible. I hope the answer is a), but I suspect the answer is c).

I guess I will have to watch the movie to find out!

There wasn't any blood

I just caught There Will be Blood, and believe me it is disappointing. No blood.

It wasn't even a good critique of early American capitalism, like Deadwood was.

Ok, there was a brief bit of blood on the floor in the final scene, but that was it.

I don't even recall seeing the famous "I drink your milkshake" scene.

PS I still have that Journey song in my head.

Glee-ful entertainment the whole family can enjoy

One of the best things about medical marajuana is that it allows one to pleasurably watch the same televisual entertainment more than once, or twice, or even three times.

I only mention this because this morning, the Sheraton Centre elevator was playing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" (N.B. I had to look it up to find out who the band is).

"So what?", one might reasonably ask oneself.

Well, I had watched the first episode of Glee two nights ago but had totally forgotten that the climax of the episode was a duo rendition of "Don't Stop Believing", and furthermore it had been fantastic!

The one and only reality show I ever watched was "Survivor — Australia", so I have never seen any of the Idol series - American, Canadian, Portugese, Slovenian, or otherwise. I suspect that the sheer energy captured in the performance scenes on "Glee" is the same energy that has made the Idol series so popular over the years.

The song "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey is now stuck in my head, perhaps permanently:

Just a small town girl,
livin' in a lonely worrrrrrrrrld,
She took the late night train going annnnyywhere.

Just a city boy,
born and raised in South Detroiiiiiiiit,
He took the late night train going annnnyywhere.

etc.

I must be in a good mood because I came very very close to bursting into song as I was typing those lyrics...

To see a list of other tunes covered by Glee, click on this link right here.

Stephen Harper mails a letter

In an effort to make myself post more oftener (sp?), I have decided to rename Fridays as "Foto Fridays". Every "Foto Friday", I plan to post an irritating photo of Stephen Harper.

The photo above, liberated from Rick Mercer is a prime example of a photo so galling it might permanently damage my gall bladder.

One possible explanation for this photo is that a sneaky member of the Papparazzi ambushed Mr. Harper as he innocently attempted to mail a letter. Ever gracious, even when having his privacy invaded, Stephen managed a forced grin for the camera.

The other possibility, which I believe to be the more likely of the two, is that this is yet another in a long, long line of staged photo ops with the PM engaged in everyday, all-Canadian activities such as pointing vaguely across a lake, pretending to listen as a guy points at some trees, or subjecting Nicholas Sarkozy to his corpse-like handshake.

I have built up quite the collection of ridiculous photos of Mr. Harper, and "Foto Friday" will give me the excuse to share them with you, my adoring public.

"Look on the bright side - how many people can say they had their wedding blown up by the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize?"

From Troubletown.

McLovin

Last night I finally got the chance to see Superbad, a heart-warming buddy flick starring George-Michael Bluth as Evan and the younger, more irritating dopplegänger of Seth Rogen as Seth.

While George-Michael was good, and the two cop characters were certainly a big addition to the movie, I would have to say that what made the movie a success (the Napoleon Dynamite of 2007) was the supporting character of Fogell, A.K.A. McLovin.

Here is the dialogue for the critical McLovin scene, from the IMDB:

Fogell: Yo guys! Sup?

Seth: Fogell, where have you been, man? You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?

Fogell: No noooo, man. I got it; it is flawless. Check it!

Evan: [examining the fake ID] Hawaii. All right, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait... you changed your name to... McLovin?

Fogell: Yeah.

Evan: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?

Fogell: Naw, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.

Seth: And you landed on McLovin...

Fogell: Yeah. It was between that or Muhammed.

Seth: Why the FUCK would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?

Fogell: Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once.

Evan: Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed?

Fogell: Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?

Seth: No, that's why you picked a dumb fucking name!

Fogell: Fuck you.

Seth: Gimme that. All right, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn't even have a first name, it just says "McLovin"!

Evan: What? One name? ONE NAME? Who are you? Seal?

Seth: Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?

Fogell: Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face: every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. Pssh, how many 21 year olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, all right?

Evan: Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's... it's a fine ID; it'll... it's gonna work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either gonna think 'Here's another kid with a fake ID' or 'Here's McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiian organ donor'. Okay? So what's it gonna be?

Fogell: [grinning] ... I am McLovin!

Seth: No you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made up dumb FUCKING FAIRY TALE NAME, YOU FUCK!

The second critical scene for McLovin, A.K.A. Fogell:

Officer Slater: [talking to Fogell with Officer Michaels in the liquor store after a robbery] May we see your identification?

[Fogell uneasily hands over his fake ID]

Officer Slater: McLovin?

[Fogell is really nervous]

Officer Slater: [pauses] That's a cool name.

Fogell: [amazed that his fake ID worked] Wha... wha...

Officer Slater: Yeah, people have weird names nowadays. Once I pulled arrested this man-lady, and his legal first name was "Fuck".

Officer Michaels: He was Vietnamese, so it was spelled "Ph," but still that's pretty jarring to see on a drivers license.

Bonus: make your own McLovin ID!

When Happy Days jumped the shark

It wasn't when the Fonz literally jumped the shark, it was when Potsy sang the "Pump Your Blood" song which I believe was earlier in the same season.

In this scene, Potsy's final exam, The Fonz shows up to deliver words of wisdom, and to judge. The Fonz might be out of work, or working nights, or possibly he phoned in sick so he could be at Potsy's gig (although I sense The Fonz's employment was of the "no workee, no payee" sort).

Anyhoo, Fonzie shows up. It is like the ending of Bedknobs and Broomsticks!

Fonzie- you have got to stop hanging around so much with these high-school guys!



Courtesy of that bearded, overall-wearing, Bills-supporting weirdo Jaquandor, who, although he doesn't know it, I hold close to my heart.

If Jaquandor can thrive in the Great Satan, there is hope.

Room Service

By GABLE.

Stolen from the Globe and Mail.

Why the USA will never implement universal health care

From Lance Mannion:

The business of America is business. We don't make anything anymore. We don't build much of anything and we barely bother to keep what our grandparents built in repair. We grow less and less. We create fewer and fewer better mousetraps. And the only reason we make, build, repair, grow, and create the little that we do is to sell it at the highest possible price. Our economy is based on everybody doing business with one another. It's based on buying and selling. It's based on all of us looking at each other as potential customers, which is to say that it's based on all of us looking to take advantage of each other to make a profit of some kind.

(snip)

You can say that Baucus and the other Blue Dogs have been bought off by the insurance industry. But it's probably more accurate to say that the insurance industry is rewarding them for understanding how things are supposed to work. Whatever the supposed issue Congress seems to be working on, the real job of government is to keep the buying and selling going. Baucus and the Blue Dogs and plenty of the so-called moderates set to bargain the public option away understand that it is in the nation's best interest to ensure that the economy, which is based on everybody being a customer or client first and a voter and a citizen, and a human being, not necessarily last but way down the list, thrives and grows. The way to do this is to make more customers.

(snip)

Nobody expects the army to make a profit or the fire department or the highway department. No sensible person whose heart is in the right place expects our schools to make money. We don't make money off each other by protecting them from our mutual enemies or by saving them from burning buildings or by sending them out to work or to the store on safe, well-kept roads. We don't make money off each other---or shouldn't try to---by teaching each other's kids to read and do math. Why then did those people (us again) think they should make money off of keeping each other alive and well?

And the answer is because our economy is based on our treating each other as customers and commodities not as fellow citizens, not even as fellow human beings. If it fell to us to write the Constitution or re-write it, the preamble would be changed to "We the Consumers of the United States, in order to purchase a more perfect union, pay for the a criminal justice system, buy and sell the weapons and equipment necessary for the common defense, make money off of insuring domestic tranquility, get rich off of promoting the general welfare, and secure for those who can afford the high price we're going to charge the blessings of liberty for themselves and their lazy, arrogant, good for nothing but asserting their own status and special privileges progeny, do agree to this contract, please read the attached terms and conditions and check the box marked 'accept'."

EPL Predictions

The 2009-2010 season of the English Premier League is about to begin. To see if I have learned anything at all from my countless hours wasted over the past 2 years playing Football Manager, I have decided to accept Paul Wilson's challenge and predict the top five finishers, as well as the 3 teams that will be relegated:

1. Manchester United
2. Chelsea
3. Liverpool
4. Manchester City
5. Arsenal
...
18. Burnley
19. Hull City
20. Portsmouth

There it is, now part of the public record.

Use a plausible excuse when you call in sick



Very appropriate information, especially for those of us who have a hard time using up all our sick days, banked or otherwise.

Stolen from Wired.

Day 14 of CUPE local 79 strike: I am starting to get bored...

I really enjoyed the first couple of weeks, since I regarded being on strike as a sort of "unpaid vacation".

Now, however, as we lumber towards the end of the third week, the honeymoon is over. I don't know what it is CUPE leadership are smoking, but I want some of it. Banking sick days instead of having short-term disability insurance is bullshit.

I think it is the 'old guys', that show up for every vote, and have Joe Hill up the wazoo, that have led CUPE 79 to this bad place.

A YouTube Miscellany

Batman vs. Penguin political debate:



Doogie Howser commercial piss-take:


Christian Bale rant (audio only):

Ouch.

Glasgow: Stop ringing the bus bell:

John Baird: whatta guy

Just in! The Toronto Star details a typical example of how the Conservatives plan to win over the voters of Ontario:

In an unguarded moment, Baird told aides Toronto stood alone in not meeting the technical criteria for federal cash, yet was complaining about Ottawa dragging its feet.

"Twenty-seven hundred people got it right. They didn't. That is not a partnership and they're bitching at us," he said.

"They should fuck off."

The federal minister overseeing the infrastructure program was overheard by a Star reporter after he mistakenly walked into a media room at the Federation of Canadian Municipalities convention at this British Columbia resort.

When his words were read back to him, he acknowledged his remarks.

A. Whitley Brown supports the troops

Via Dennis Perrin: